It's Always Funny Until Someone Gets Hurt - Then It's Hilarious

This is a real newspaper article:

Burglar Stole Salad From Fridge, Police Say
Associated Press

SOMERSET, Pa. (June 19) - Someone kicked in the door of a man's apartment, stuck a knife in the door and took a chilled salad from his refrigerator.

Somerset police said the man reported the bizarre burglary on Monday. He told investigators someone broke into his apartment while he went to a nearby tavern. Nothing but the salad was missing, police said.

Police said they have a suspect and expect to file charges once they finish their investigation.

WHAT! Seriously! People have issues. Of course there is only one thing this article reminds me of – The Police Beat.

Most newspapers have an “Odd News” section, but for BYU’s The Daily Universe, the Police Beat is the humor of the week. I had two guy friends freshman year that continually did stupid stuff just to see if they could get in The Police Beat. I had professors read the column at the beginning of class for entertainment. I don’t know what it is, but reading about stupid people is funny – and stupid criminals in Provo, even more so.

So it turns out that The Daily Universe’s Web site posts The Police Beat columns, and reporters the past few semesters have created a “Best of” column. So you can reminisce, understand what I’m talking about, laugh, realize how “special” Provo is, or just smile and ask, “what were they thinking,” here is a selection of The Best of the Police Beats from the last year:

Oh, and of course, I had to add my commentary in red for your enjoyment :)

Sept. 19: An individual reported male students singing to female students outside of Hinckley Hall in Helaman Halls. The males were advised to leave due to complaints. (While Karen may think that a guy holding a radio over his head outside her window is cute, really, guys have you learned nothing from American Idol – just don’t)

Sept. 22: A female BYU student fell through the ceiling of the Thomas L. Martin Building while playing a game of hide and seek. The student was in an area of the building being remodeled where ceiling tiles had been removed for electrical work. Friends boosted the student into the opening where she fell through other ceiling tiles upon crawling around. She was not hurt. (Not the student was charged for being in a construction zone. Not the students were asked to leave the building. Not, the student lost the game of hide and seek. But, “she was not hurt.” Really, do you think that’s what we were all asking ourselves when we read this?)

Sept. 23: An assault was reported at the BYU vs. Utah State football game on Saturday. The victim, a male BYU student, was standing in front of the suspect, a female BYU student, and obstructing the female's view of the game. The female asked the male, who didn't have a ticket in that section of the stadium, to sit down or move. The man refused. An argument ensued and the event's staff asked the man to sit down, which he would not. The male victim allegedly called the suspect a derogatory name and asked her, "What are you going to do to get me to sit down? Slap me?" The female suspect then slapped the male victim. The victim did not press charges. (Well, he did ask, right?)

Nov. 2: A student in Helaman Halls received a letter with a large sum of money in it from an address in Salt Lake. The student does not know who sent the money and the incident is under investigation. (Only at BYU would an unknown “large sum of money” be reported.)

Nov. 21: A female student attempted to get the attention of two male students passing by Fox Hall in Heritage Halls by tapping on the glass window of the lobby. The female student shattered the glass window with her tapping. (Ha – can you imagine the phone call to her parents. Um, mom and dad, there’s going to be a charge on your next housing bill….)

Dec. 7: The glass of a vending machine in the Harris Fine Arts Center was shattered. A male student's friend paid for a Pot Tart that the vending machine did not dispense. Thus the male student leaned his shoulder against the glass in an attempt to tip the machine and get the Pot Tart out accidentally shattering the glass in the process. (This is only funny for one reason - Pot Tart! Pot Tart! The editor seriously didn’t catch that. I didn’t know they sold Pot Tarts at BYU! Classic.)

Feb. 2: A student reported a suspicious individual with long gray hair and a beard inside a restricted lab in the Clyde building. Upon arrival, the officer found a mannequin in the reported location. (Really?)

May 15: Road rage overtook two individuals as a female driver was driving behind a male driver and got upset. She said he was driving too slow, and he said he was driving the speed limit. Upon reaching their destinations, they discovered they both lived at Wymount and after parking their cars they yelled at each other. The man later apologized for yelling at the woman. (Dang you female drivers for give us a bad rap, but what I love is that the man apologized! Not the woman.)