Hate, Hate, Hate

Karen, Mel and I are taking a creative writing class. I have really enjoyed having a creative outlet during the week, and it has been a lot of fun. Crazy teacher. Crazy students. But more on those stories later.

A few weeks ago our assignment was to write a rant about something we hate. Surprisingly I actually had a hard time coming up with something to write about. I decided to write about the Writer's Strike, but then I didn't like the piece. I thought about calling my sisters to ask them for suggestions, but I didn't want to open Pandora's Box. Asking my sisters what I hate could have been disastrous. And then it came to me. Oatmeal. I hate oatmeal. Yuck. I thought I'd share my 500 word rant with you. It's so over the top - and suppose to be. I had fun taking it one step further and getting a little crazy. Anyway, enjoy. I hope you hate oatmeal too.

Hate, Hate, Loathe Entirely Oatmeal
I’m not a picky eater. I like most food and am willing to try just about anything, but there is one thing I absolutely can not stand. I wouldn’t eat it if my life depended on it. I wouldn’t eat it if it was the only thing on a deserted island. I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to smell it. I most certainly don’t want to taste it. Just thinking about the pungent smell, grainy texture, chewy tasteless bowl of mush makes my stomach queasy. I hate, hate, hate, loathe entirely oatmeal.

I know. I know. It’s good for you. It’s the best breakfast you can have. It’s a great source of fiber, provides essential vitamins and nutrients, lowers your cholesterol, helps your heart, fights cancer . . . all I hear is it tastes like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

In high school I started a diet that called for oatmeal everyday for breakfast. I was determined to stick to the regiment, so I gave oatmeal a shot. I had never eaten it before; surely it couldn’t be that bad. Wrong. Every morning I’d reluctantly make my oatmeal while plugging my nose to help avoid as much of the smell as possible. I’d take a scoop, squeeze my eyes shut, take a deep breath and pray that it would all be over soon. With every bite I’d try to control my gag reflex as the sticky, slimy, clumpy oatmeal slid down my throat. After three months on the diet, I’d had enough. I’d suffered through breakfast long enough. I vowed never to choke down oatmeal again.

You probability think I’m over reacting. It’s just a simple bowl of oats. Even Goldilocks likes it. Surely one simple meal can’t make me cringe, gag and repulse. But no, I assure you, the smell, the sight, the thought of oatmeal makes me gag. Literally gag. Even my body’s natural defense mechanism is telling me that oatmeal is bad.

General Mills should brace themselves; Kristan vs. Oatmeal may just become the latest “celebrity feud.” Joining the ranks of Rosie O’Donnell vs. Donald Trump, Paris vs. Nicole, David Letterman vs. Jay Leno, Nancy Kerrigan vs. Tonya Harding, Oprah vs. Beef. It’s that bad. I have roommates and co-workers, past and present, that I secretly hate for making me smell their oatmeal breakfast. I’ve given boyfriends the oatmeal ultimatum – it or me. There is a ban on popcorn in some offices across the country because the smell permeates throughout the whole office; I’m thinking about starting a petition for a ban on oatmeal – or at the very least an office transfer so I’m further away from the kitchen.

It has been almost ten years since I have eaten oatmeal, and I’m sure my palate has changed, but I can assure you there is one thing I will never try again . . . smelly, nasty, mushy oatmeal.